A complete mess of a life

This isn’t a sob story. I don’t want your sympathy. I know what type of person I am. It’s pretty safe to say I’ve let my parents down more times than any human being ever should. With the next latest piece of news coming up, I don’t even deserve to live with them anyone. With the size of cherish and love they have given me, it is quite simply criminal the amount money I have drained from them. I almost feel terrified about the lack of empathy I feel when they buy new clothes or presents and I take them for granted. If it’s the streets that I’m heading towards, then that’s where I will be. What this story is about is that of person (that is me if you didn’t know) who has severely depersonalised himself from the rest of the world. From F1 to Football, Myspace to Facebook, Bebo to Glamour Models on Twitter, I have remained the same corseted person. And I am completely ashamed of it. I’m on the verge of being kicked out of uni, jobless (never having had a real job occupation either) on my CV, not even any sort of volunteering experience and just a handful of GCSEs and A Levels to my damned name. If I was twenty, I’d probably cry, but I’m not. I’m now twenty-three.

I keep telling everyone the same range of many sob stories I share. Truth is, there is only one sob story that is worth reflecting upon. It was when I was eleven years old, having just started secondary school. It was a completely environment to primary school, where I had a teacher to keep her eye on me along with a standard class of thirty kids. We all knew each other well as we never had mixed classes with kids from other year groups, but it also meant they knew if they had arguments with each other or picked on vulnerable pupils, the teacher who taught us for all classes would signal their attention with an instant. That meant other pupils too knew that a scolding would await them if they said anything towards me. At secondary school, we all have different teachers for specialist subjects and mixed classes of students usually placed together based together on ability. That meant no single teacher could truly monitor a student’s behaviour, and be able to predict their reactions to a certain social scenario, until after a certain time period. Therefore it was the first time I was in an environment where I was in charge of my own social affairs. Sadly I was socially inept and naive, and when I was caught crying after being punished with lines, Boys A and C inevitably approached and exploited me. As I was only eleven, I ran and told my mother about their behaviour, who promptly reported them to the Head of Lower School.

Now at this point, despite my naivety and youth, I really should have had the maturity to say to myself, “Well young man, the fact you’ve had to ask your mother to dig you out of bullying is a major problem. It’s time for you to learn some social skills, pick up some street language and study and understand the true meaning of people’s words, actions and signals.” It was also a time when I should have learnt the importance of commanding respect and power towards one’s social status with a social ladder.

Instead, the past twelve years have been full of the same sob stories and strange behaviours (not wearing glasses in fear of ridicule, asking people questions that were meant to be addressed to their friend I refused to speak to through fear, shying away from certain girls due to lust and lack of social skills and many other things) and this sad episode can be seen as the one that started it all off.

So there are many things that overshadow me. My lack of ambition. My lack of hope. My “black and white” thinking. My lack of sociability. My “Peter Pan” complex. My inner-arrogance built up from seeing unfortunate things to other people and acting as if “it’ll never happen to me”.

So what are my ambitions in life? Having failed what I have just mentioned, an okay-ish job and the opportunity to counsel someone. To have be able to help a young person who shares similar traits to me, but needs someone on their toes to keep them towards their goal. To make them a worldlier person, more sociable (and socially useful) and basically turn them into a person the opposite of what I have become. To in-turn help someone in need and enrich the lives of others. It seems bizarre someone like me would have such an aim, but I feel I would understand better more than anyone on a) what makes them tick b) the doubts and difficulties they struggle c) how to harness their full potential.

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