A bluffball ignoramus’ guide to Euro 2016

  1. When the commentators mention Dele Alli, they are advertising a new pasta brand which kids can twirl around their tongues.
  2. When a team is struggling to create goal scoring chances the opposition’s half, it’s because they’re lacking “penetration”.
  3. A contestant on Jeremy Kyle won a competition to earn a place on the England team by achieving Cs in his re-taken English and Maths GCSEs. He is a semi-pro player for FC Halifax Town and his name according to Facebook is Jamie Chatshitgetbanged Riyad AndIhateChina Vahrez.
  4. The England team is odds-on favourite at 2/1 to win Euro 2016, after completing a streak of 23 consecutive wins in friendlies and competitive matches combined.
  5. The England manager is an owl who watches The Jungle Book to help him fall asleep at night.
  6. If you are watching any Euro 2016 match, which does not involve England, in a pub in Leicester but don’t know who’s playing, scream, “Yeah! Leicester Tigers are a million times better than Leicester City and always will be!!”
  7. Football is boring, but try to enjoy Euro 2016.
  8. I highly advise you to take bullet point 7 seriously, because in two years’ time, the ball will be kicking us all in the face brutally without mercy.
  9. Actually, I’d advise you to switch channels and watch Bargain Hunt. Especially if you have a bet on.
  10. If you don’t know the offside rule, it’s basically when the linesman flags Cristiano Ronaldo for simulating beyond his allocated total of five mandatory dives per game. Many argue this to be lenient, but a least it’s a clamp down on his previous allowance of 7 and a half, which confused everyone and meant he got away with at least 11 per game instead.

And remember…

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